it took a long time

 

It took a long time for me to get to a place where I could write about it all.  It's still unreal to have a blog (that no one but my mom will read).  In my middle school through my college years, I struggled with perfectionism, depression, and legalism.  I did not understand who God was or who I was to Him.  This led to a lot of pain in my early walk with God, and for years I was blinded by who I thought He was.  In college I went through some really hard things, away from my family.  I was across the country, so I couldn't just run home and tell my mom all about it.  I slowly started to think of God as my Father, and as a help rather than a judgmental master who disapproved of all I did.  I met a man who claimed to be a Christian, fell in love with him, and then got married after college.  I thought I was set for life.  We picked out a church and started going.  He was in the military so he was away a lot.  I knew this was the life I chose.  Until the anger started showing.  And the cussing started.  And the crazy-making ensued.  He would rile me up and then put me down for my emotional response.  He would do heartless things, just to see the look on my face.  And for 10 months, I continued.  I thought it was my fault.  "He wouldn't have shoved me if I hadn't been so close to the middle of the aisle." "He just likes helping out the Boy Scouts, even though its the only day we have off together." "He just loses his temper sometimes and he cusses.  He is cussing near me, not at me.  He deserves to show his feelings."  And on and on I went, making excuses for this man who was making a wreck of my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.  Until one day, he left.  My world as I knew it crashed down around me, and I looked at the ashes of my life and lost the will to live.  Little did I know, this was the best thing that could have happened to me. 

Fast forward nine months, and I am thriving.  I am happier than I ever was while married to that monster, and I have discovered more of myself than I could have hoped for.  He makes all things new.  That doesn't mean He makes everything like it was before, it means he replaces it with something better.  And it takes time.  It took a long time for me to recover enough to see the better.  I had to discover I had a brain chemical imbalance, start taking medication, lose a lot of weight, and cry quite a bit before I began understanding the better.  Now I have food projects going on 24/7, I regularly make my own bread, I keep learning how to care for my geckos, I am obsessed with yoga, I run obstacle races, and I make a habit of learning new things daily, but...


it took a long time